76 Days

UNDISPUTED FACT #1: Total number of days since WorldVenture handed me an official-looking appointee name tag - 76.

UNDISPUTED FACT #2: Total number of unpublished days for this particular URL since entering realm of official appointee journeying - 79.

UNDISPUTED FEELING ABOUT UNDISPUTED FACTS: Guilt, to the max.

UNDISPUTED FACT ABOUT UNDISPUTED FEELINGS: Welcome to missionary life.

What am I not telling you about the last 79 days? A whole lot.

Why? Um, because if I tell you what’s really going on in my life, you’ll know. And if you know, then it will become blatantly obvious that I’m human. And if you figure out that I’m human, you may realize that I’m not perfect. And if you realize I’m not perfect, you might not like me anymore. Pride. It does a heart and body bad.

Here’s what I will tell you about my first 76 days as a missionary appointee.

UNDENIABLE REALITY #1: Life is crazy, but who wants to write (or read) yet another blog post about such a commonplace topic as that? (Blah, blah, blah and yadi-yadi-yada come to mind). NEXT!

UNDENIABLE REALITY #2: When you become a missionary appointee, your family will most likely wig out on you, in one way or another. You are, after all, leaving them behind to go and tell an unfamiliar zip code about Jesus. None of us like to be the second choice, no matter how much we try to deny it, or prepare ourselves for it. You will also most likely wig out on yourself (and your family) over familial wigging out. It’s perfectly natural, but feels wholly unnatural. It would be hilarious ... if it were happening to someone else. If moving to Hawaii (to escape wig-outting) is not an option, or if family wigger-outers are IN Hawaii for you unfortunate few, you will have some decisions to make. Other famous and fancy names for said “decisions” are: Boundaries, Margin, or Dying to Self. Jesus recommends the 3rd one highly. None of them feel good. All of them are necessary and healthy and life-reviving ... after your desire to scream for several days has passed.

UNDENIABLE REALITY #3: When your spouse looks at you across the kitchen table and says with both hope and resignation, “This is preparing us for our life overseas, isn’t it?” it is the TRUTH. Don’t run away from it. As an appointee, you will face trials and challenges which may or may not have any connection to your choice to follow God to the ends of the earth ... but they are connected to your sanctification and will, inevitably, reveal things to you about yourself - things which you will be thankful you learned before you set foot in a place full of people who will see you as an outsider for a very, very long time. They will also reveal to you things about God, which would be very valuable lessons to have learned before moving your family, home, ministry career and dreams overseas. Once I figure out how to write oh-not-so-negatively about these challenges and lessons, you will see a few more blog posts from me. In the meantime, I guess I can be thankful that I’m learning these lessons in plain English. It could be worse. I could have a Spanish mid-term to study for on top of all this.

UNDENIABLE REALITY #4: You will feel like the knot in the middle of the rope being tugged on, no, battled over, by Grace and Guilt. There has not been one day in the last 76 in which I have not asked myself, “No matter how much I do, how come it never feels like enough?” (GUILT). There has not been one day in the last 76 in which Jesus has not megaphoned into me, “It’s not your job to decide when enough is enough, so stop talking to yourself. Talk to Me. Come to Me. Rest in Me. Let me do My job and I’ll tell you when yours is done for the day. I know how much each day should hold.” (GRACE). I’m still a knot, but I’m not running away from the megaphone anymore.

UNDENIABLE REALITY #5: Paralysis and death are two different things. That means they are NOT the same. Remember this when you’re paralyzed by the insanity of missionary responsibilities (on top of all others). One symptom is generally temporary. The other is typically permanent (unless you’re a New Testament example of someone for whom death was not permanent the first time around - that’s why I said “typically,” you picky scholar). My emotional paralysis this summer will not be the state of my life on earth forever. Paralysis is difficult. It’s painful, sometimes. It definitely has consequences. It is most certainly not enjoyable. If I’m still breathing, I’m still alive. Alive is good.

TRANSLATION FOR ALL OF THE ABOVE: It’s been 76 days of heart surgery, at the skillful hands of God, with a very painful recovery. From the look and feel of it - He ain’t done with me yet.

I don’t know what your undisputed facts and your undeniable realities translate into for you today. Maybe, like me, you’re learning that when you, or choice parts of the world, are ready to brand your own forehead with a big, fat “F” ... Jesus is the only one standing with you, not holding a Sharpie. You see, it’s difficult to hold a Sharpie and write a big, fat “F” with it when His arms are wrapped around your aching heart, when His hands are wiping away your tears, and when He’s busy transforming your soul behind it all.

It’s day 76. Welcome to my missionary life.

Marie Foote
WorldVenture Appointee to Buenos Aires, Argentina